UN to Burners: Lay Down Your iPhones

SAN FRANCISCO–UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch issued a statement today once again vigorously urging Burning Man participants to lay down their iPhones while they are on the playa. The San Francisco Statement on Electronic Narcissism and Burning Man recalls last year’s Resolution 0191 which identified Burning Man as a UN Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone, and the subsequent Twitter Embargo, which banned the smuggling of tweets and other electronic communications out of the Burning Man zone.

See you in ten days. Photo cc Julia/foxgrrl

THE SAN FRANCISCO STATEMENT ON ELECTRONIC NARCISSISM & BURNING MAN

Attention Burning Man Participants:

In 2009 the United Nations declared Burning Man to be an internationally recognized Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone with UN Resolution 0191.  To be clear, the international community encourages you to engage freely in your abnormal activities within the safe confines of this isolated desert camp. It is the position of the United Nations Normalcy Council that what occurs at Burning Man is outside the purview of international law and oversight.

But you are vigorously reminded that the protections afforded you by Resolution 0190 require you to adhere to the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment, and your most critical responsibility is to ensure the safe isolation of your abnormal activities.  The international community has come to a consensus regarding your activities at Burning Man, and, to put it simply, we don’t care.

We, your friends and neighbors, indeed the entire global village, do not care what you’re doing out there.  We don’t care when and if you’ve found yourself or your degree of hydration or inebriation. We don’t want to see your pictures. We get that you’re taking a break from society. But did it occur to you that society might need to take a break from you?

So please, Burning Man participant: lay down your iPhone. Resist the urge to tell us what you’re doing at Burning Man in real-time. Know that your tweets and photos do not enrich our lives, but rather, annoy us.

And be warned that the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) is vigorously enforcing the Twitter Embargo of Burning Man.  Your tweets will result in stern sanctions, and your Foursquare mayorships will be used against you by international tribunals.

The utility of Burning Man for you is to enjoy hallunicogens and dance music, be weird, and indulge in finding yourself. But the utility of Burning Man for the international community is to safely dissipate your weirdness far, far away from us.

We strongly urge you to adhere to UN Resolution 0190 and the Twitter Embargo of Burning Man.

Internationally yours,

Commander EDW Lynch
UNUCC

See also:

UN Announces International Twitter Tribunal

UN Declares Twitter Embargo of Burning Man

UN Declares Burning Man an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone

UN Proposes Abnormal Behavior Containment “Safe Zone” in Desert

Balsa Man Monitored Vigorously by UNUCC

Commander EDW Lynch a multinational force of observers and inspectors vigorously and steadfastly observed Saturday’s Balsa Man Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone in San Francisco. UNUCC commends the safe zone organizers for mostly honoring the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment. The site was well isolated on a deserted beach in San Francisco and a protective layer of fog obscured the weirdness from innocent normal persons.

In a triumph of international justice, known tweet criminals @sflslim and @steve23 were boldly sanctioned in person by UNUCC personnel.  These sanctions are in addition to the twitter “@reply” sanctions issued last week and are even more vigorous. The international community was also “dismayed and very disappointed” to discover a tiny cell tower within the tiny safe zone.  Commander EDW Lynch personally conveyed United Nation’s disappointment as well as a strenuous sanctioning.

UNUCC to Dispatch Observer Force to Balsa Man Safe Zone

UN Observers will vigorously monitor Balsa Man

Newly empowered by the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment (ABC), UNUCC is preparing an observer mission to a very, very small ABC Safe Zone recently identified in San Francisco. Known as Balsa Man, the safe zone will open on Saturday and will feature a burning effigy of a man as well as other abnormal projects. UNUCC will be on hand to monitor the containment of abnormal persons, rumored to be in the “tens of people.” Observers will also be vigorously discouraging participants from tweeting or otherwise sharing any activities that may occur in the safe zone.