UN to Burners: Lay Down Your iPhones

SAN FRANCISCO–UNUCC Commander EDW Lynch issued a statement today once again vigorously urging Burning Man participants to lay down their iPhones while they are on the playa. The San Francisco Statement on Electronic Narcissism and Burning Man recalls last year’s Resolution 0191 which identified Burning Man as a UN Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone, and the subsequent Twitter Embargo, which banned the smuggling of tweets and other electronic communications out of the Burning Man zone.

See you in ten days. Photo cc Julia/foxgrrl

THE SAN FRANCISCO STATEMENT ON ELECTRONIC NARCISSISM & BURNING MAN

Attention Burning Man Participants:

In 2009 the United Nations declared Burning Man to be an internationally recognized Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone with UN Resolution 0191.  To be clear, the international community encourages you to engage freely in your abnormal activities within the safe confines of this isolated desert camp. It is the position of the United Nations Normalcy Council that what occurs at Burning Man is outside the purview of international law and oversight.

But you are vigorously reminded that the protections afforded you by Resolution 0190 require you to adhere to the Stockholm Plan for Abnormal Behavior Containment, and your most critical responsibility is to ensure the safe isolation of your abnormal activities.  The international community has come to a consensus regarding your activities at Burning Man, and, to put it simply, we don’t care.

We, your friends and neighbors, indeed the entire global village, do not care what you’re doing out there.  We don’t care when and if you’ve found yourself or your degree of hydration or inebriation. We don’t want to see your pictures. We get that you’re taking a break from society. But did it occur to you that society might need to take a break from you?

So please, Burning Man participant: lay down your iPhone. Resist the urge to tell us what you’re doing at Burning Man in real-time. Know that your tweets and photos do not enrich our lives, but rather, annoy us.

And be warned that the United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) is vigorously enforcing the Twitter Embargo of Burning Man.  Your tweets will result in stern sanctions, and your Foursquare mayorships will be used against you by international tribunals.

The utility of Burning Man for you is to enjoy hallunicogens and dance music, be weird, and indulge in finding yourself. But the utility of Burning Man for the international community is to safely dissipate your weirdness far, far away from us.

We strongly urge you to adhere to UN Resolution 0190 and the Twitter Embargo of Burning Man.

Internationally yours,

Commander EDW Lynch
UNUCC

See also:

UN Announces International Twitter Tribunal

UN Declares Twitter Embargo of Burning Man

UN Declares Burning Man an Abnormal Behavior Containment Safe Zone

UN Proposes Abnormal Behavior Containment “Safe Zone” in Desert

UNUCC Confirms Cardboard Conflict at Hayes Valley Farm

Commander EDW Lynch inspects a suspected cardboard tube militant

SAN FRANCISCO- Commander EDW Lynch and a small team of United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) observers and inspectors confirmed rumors of cardboard conflict at Hayes Valley Farm on Sunday, June 20th.  Acting on signals intelligence gleaned from the extremist Cardboard Tube Fighting League website, the multinational observer force deployed at the urban farm in time to see cardboard tube militants amassing.  While some participants claimed the event was a “cardboard didgeridoo conference,” it became clear to international observers that ritualized cardboard tube violence was the goal of the shadowy organizers.

UNUCC inspectors questioned possible tube militants and scrutinized cardboard tubes and armor. Some militants openly ascribed to cardboard violence, while others claimed the event was protected cultural ceremony.

UNUCC cardboard tube inspection form

Commander EDW Lynch liaised with local leaders and advocated strongly for peaceful tube usage.  However, due to the small size of the multinational force, as well as a very limited mandate, UNUCC was unable to intervene when tube violence broke out.  The multinational observer force witnessed the deplorable use of heavily armed child soldiers, as well as increasingly sophisticated cardboard weapon systems, which indicate possible state sponsorship.

UNUCC once again appeals to rival cardboard factions to disarm and recycle their tubes.

The UN Multinational Observer Force

UNUCC Warns Cardboard Extremists to Disarm

UNUCC personnel monitor the disposal of weaponized cardboard tubes

SAN FRANCISCO- The United Nations Unconventional Culture Commission (UNUCC) warns extremist cardboard militants to lay down their cardboard tubes or face vigorous observation and inspection. United Nations monitors have detected shipments of weaponized cardboard poster tubes entering the San Francisco area, as well as signals intelligence indicating cardboard violence is imminent.

According to cardboard extremist website the Cardboard Tube Fighting League, fighting will break out tomorrow in San Francisco’s peaceful Hayes Valley yuppie enclave. The CTFL has been known to the United Nations for some time, and the radical organization is notorious for instigating tube violence on an international scale, with disturbing reports of cardboard conflict as far away as Japan. Details posted on CTFL:

What: CTFL Tournament and Potluck at Hayes Valley Farm, San Francisco
Where: The Hayes Valley Farm (450 Laguna Street, San Francisco, CA 94102)
When: Sunday, June 20th, 2010, The fun starts at 3pm.
Entry Fee: Free, tubes provided!

The UN Normalcy Council has authorized a multinational inspection and monitoring force to vigorously observe militants. Commander EDW Lynch urges militants to submit peaceably to inspections and refrain from attacking the UN observers.